This space used to be important. It was important to me to have a place to store my thoughts, feelings and struggles. It was meaningful to know that I could just write.
This little place that I carved out of the great expanse of the interwebs used to be a safe space, within which I could document things I wasn't able to communicate elsewhere.
I lead a rather lonely life. This place allowed me to develop friendships with people who really understood what it was like to feel the way I felt. My loneliness was quelled by the relationships I built here.
This place is not safe anymore. It has been taken from me by those who wish to collect evidence against me. Some of those people I barely know. And others are dear to me.
The words I wrote about my inner turmoil, the dissonance I felt between the cultural ideal of motherhood and my own experience, and especially those about my darkest depression are being judged and manipulated to paint a particular picture of me.
As a result I have been shut down. Silenced. Fearful of writing anything honest or meaningful.
I made a choice that, because it is not fully understood by many others, has burned bridges and broken ties. I made a choice that compels people to question me, judge me, even hate me.
The few people who know the entire story, however, feel differently. The people I trust, the few who still offer me a safe haven of compassion and understanding.
And so, I have waffled back and forth, back and forth. Do I continue to write with honesty, even about those feelings and thoughts that are not supposed to be brought to light? Or do I let myself be silenced?
Credits
What is a Yaya?
Who is Bobita?
Remember: Stealing is BAD Karma!
Bobita's Cast of Irreverent Characters
Bobita & Irreverent Husband
Lobito
Faffi
Sepe
Storm Flower
Rosie
Trabinski's Tribe:
Trabinski
the Shrink
Super T & Miss K
and of course . . . Max
Blushing & Grinning Wildly
Can you dig it?
12 clever remarks:
No one is asking you to stop writing. Just to stop betraying the ones you claim to love. Keep our problems between us and not for the world to judge. Trust needs to be earned back. It can start here.
I don't agree with Anonymous above. Just because you speak your truth does not mean the world is judging. Pretending that pain and problems do not exist hardly make them go away.
If you need a place to really speak, maybe it is time to find a new place to write? Just for yourself. Maybe for the friends and family that will truly provide a safe haven of understanding.
You know where I am if you need to talk.
The advice about finding a new place to write so that you can continue to bash on your husband is wrong. Too often those that read blogs forget that there are two sides to every story. I chose not to publish our problems. That does not mean that they do not exist or that they will go away.
This is Bobita's Irreverent Husband. My name is Charles Arias, I choose to love my wife and to work on our marriage.
Hi, Irreverant Husband. I am certainly not suggesting that Bobita "bash" on anyone. If you read carefully that was not my phrasing.
I have a blog too and I am perfectly aware that there are two sides to every story. But it sounds like Bobita needs a place to -- in her words -- "document things I wasn't able to communicate elsewhere." Blogging is not about publishing things for the world to see. It's about connecting with other people who maybe can say "hey, this happened to me too -- this is what helped."
There should be no judgment here. Only listening. Anyone who reads and judges is in the wrong, myself included.
I write everything. Terrance does not approve, but he realizes that to stop me is to deny my need to get out the stories.
He, therefore, never reads my blog(s). Not a one. He has commented to me that he would prefer that I didn't write about him and our marriage. But it is a package deal. All of it. The good, the terrible and trying.
As a person who is at a crossroads in her own marriage, I can only say that writing doesn't equal loving. Writing doesn't mean a lack of willingness to try...it just means a reflection of that moment.
Furthermore as a woman who was taught as a Child to KEEP SILENT and NOT TALK ABOUT IT, my instinct is to Never remain silent again. I suspect yours is too Bobita - It feels like we are cutting off a hard won part of ourselves to not tell the story.
I hope for Both of you - IR and Bobita, that some kind of compromise can be reached. I do not judge you IR, just as I have never judged Bobita.
By getting things out on a blog, they don't live inside the head anymore. When things don't get out of my head, they reproduce and sometimes spiral out of control until I am screaming about god knows what - or worse NOT screaming and quietly going crazy.
XOXOXO to you both
This is Bobita's husband again. I agree with both of you. Writing is a good way to express yourself as long as the trust that you've built over the years remains intact. Trust has been broken for me. I hope it can come back, the sooner the better. Dawn, I think I know how your husband feels. Certain things should be kept between husban and wife. Remember, your feelings as well as his are very important. A marriage is sacred, between two people, not the web. I feel certain things are fine to print, but others are not. My opinion. The hard part like I said before is when the trust is broken. Hope things work out for you AND your husband.
2:00am August 14, 2009
Dear Bobita, I regret that your writing has caused problems between you and your husband. I do not offer the two of you any advise nor do I comment on any comments made prior to mine.
I decided to put aside my own fears about putting my own feelings out there for all the world to see, read, whatever, BECAUSE I wanted to say to you (felt compelled to say to you) that you have a gift, an ability to communicate to others with the written word. You have shared yourself and perhaps you have helped someone else to overcome a difficulty in their life or given them confidence to face the world with less fear.
I leave you and your husband to mend what you can, with the hope that whether you continue your blog or not, that you never stop writing.
I'm going to use the ANONYMOUS choice, even though I know there is very little that is anonymous on the internet. I am making this choice in the event that anyone takes exception to what I have said to you.
I am also keeping a copy of what I have written.
I've been following this blog for a long time, and although I won't make an attempt to review it's entire contents, can't recall ever, ever reading anything that made me think that this woman did not passionately love her family.
I've been where she is, and when I speak to my husband about his thoughts of my darkest days, he claims fear was his constant companion... fear that he would somehow lose me. I shared the same feeling, fear that I had lost myself, and that perhaps I was not worth finding.
His second emotion was impatience. He wanted me back. NOW. Exactly how I had been.
He didn't understand that trying to be everything everyone wanted me to be meant losing my authentic self.
Please please be patient,finding your way back is not easy
peace, hope
Sometimes writing it down helps get the pain out. Not meant to hurt anyone else, but just somehow validate those feelings and then put them to rest and try and deal with all the other thoughts and feelings that seem to trap us in our own prisons taking years to realize we are the only ones that hold the key. Writing sometimes help us see things differently, helps us make sense of out of the insanity of our hectic lives. I agree with Hope, we get so lost in trying to be what we think everyone else expects us to be.
Bobita, either way, write something. Your way with words is a gift to the world. Perhaps you could start a fiction book, they say it's good to write about what you know.
I don't think anyone taking their private business in a public forum is anything less than betrayal. I do know and realize that men and women live by different rules though. Women are allowed to wear thei hearts on their sleeves...for a man, it's not very manly...
This forum seems to offer the ability to write anonymously. Why not use that instead of denying anyone the ability to vent? if one does choose to vent anonymously and then another comes in and decides to share a different side of the story, possibly destroying a safe place, the latter is definitely one that has no respect for anyone's privacy.
Hi Bobita,
I keep stopping by hoping you are back.
Peace my friend.
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