Tale of Desper-o

My life has been a bit gloomy as of late. Dark clouds settled in over my spirit sometime in October. Right around that time, not coincidentally, I began taking Paxil. A medicine that has been shown in clinical studies (along with most other SSRIs) to evoke horrible demons in some people. A small group of people. Too small to warrant taking it off the shelves. This little group of people, happens to include me.

You may also count me among the much, much smaller group of lucky souls who lives to tell the unbelievable story.

At some point, squished between the Haldol drip and the electroshock therapy, I began to entertain the possibility that my children and I might not be better off at the bottom of a dark, icy glacial lake nestled in the mountains of northeastern Oregon.

Safe on dry ground, something remains broken inside of me. Something, for which I can no longer blame the medicine that nearly did me in.

My prognosis is good. I get to meet a new shrink on Tuesday and will soon begin a fresh regime of pharmaceuticals. On some days, I still feel the pull of the dark waters; but on most days, I manage to keep my demons at bay, relieved that I am still here to face them.

It will take Time to straighten out the synaptic mess in my head, a luxury that I am blessed to have.

The clouds will lift, eventually. I will regain my strength and my courage, which both seem to be hibernating presently. Until then, I'm putting my demons on notice.

One day, you little Leprechaun Bastards, I'm coming for you. And when I do, you better hope there is an icy lake into which you will be able to escape my wrath.

Because I'm going to kick your weasel asses into the next century.

xoxoXXoOxxox


Edited to add:
I have started a new blog, wherein I feel more free to write about the happenings in my life. It is temporary, but seemed appropriate, given the fact that I am less prone to "blooming" and more inclined toward "wallowing." Should you wish to read the Train Wreck, feel free to email me: bloomingyaya@gmail.com.